Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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