I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
