I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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