Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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