i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
