in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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