You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize