I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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