There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
