dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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