i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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