Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize