Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
