I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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