i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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