Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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