are you so shy because you have an std?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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