I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
it was like having sex with a tree stump
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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