I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize