I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
