My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
