so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
