idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Found your dick twin last night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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