One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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