closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
