I think I died a long time ago.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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