i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
