i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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