I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
