I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
