I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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