Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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