Ambien. No doubt about it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
