I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
