Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
