Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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