I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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