Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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