what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize