so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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