just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize