worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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