A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
