I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
