The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
