i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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