STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
