I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
