I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
