3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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