Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
