Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
