I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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