I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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