I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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