the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize