Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
