how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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