No awkward lesbian experiences without me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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