guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
